Equal opportunity or double standards?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .. you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't .. you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you're not ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Explaining politics to a child

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy so the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Golf with a Catholic Priest and a Nun

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed again."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

The Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice...

"Shit, I missed."

Lonely Hearts

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

still interested?

Call me at...... 8250-0327

How to get to number 1 on Google

Recently I have been getting lots of emails from bizarre "companies" offering to optimize my website for me. Now being the curious kind of chap I thought I would see what happened if I responded to one of them.

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 08:22 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: Internet Marketing Services

We would like to get your website on first page of Google.

All of our processes use the most ethical "white hat" Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized. Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 10:58 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Robert and thanks for your very informative email about your Search Engine Optimization service. It certainly sounds genuine!

Anyway, I really am very interested and would like you to get my website to number 1 on Google because I think that will make my dream come true of being a millionaire before I’m 30. Would you also like my credit card details now or would you prefer me to bend over first so you can shaft me properly?

Kind Regards

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:07 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Mr Prous

Thanks for your interest in our services. If you could provide us with more information about your website we will draft up a proposal for you.

I am a bit confused about your final comment. We will only require you to send us your credit card once you have agreed to the proposal.

Thanks


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:36 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Rob,

Basically I run and operate a pornographic website, mainly focused on the animal kingdom. It used to be primarily sheep and goats but I have recently discovered that there is more of a market in underage chickens. I used to have a website dedicated to necrophilia but that idea died.

Thanks for clearing up the confusion about my credit card. So when you say you need me to send my credit card, would you want me to post it to you? I don’t have any envelopes at the moment but I do have a rather big box that I could fill with bubble wrap and those funny polystyrene things. I would like to keep my credit card safe because there are a lot of thieves around these days don’t you think?

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Porn
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 09:46 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Are you serious? When you say it is based around animals, do you mean pictures of animals on animals or animals with humans? We are of course more than happy to undertake a project containing any material but we need to make sure we get all the facts straight before writing a proposal.

I think you misunderstand. We do not require you to post us your credit card we just need the credit card number and name on card etc.


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Robbie,

Well of course it’s animals and humans. I mean animal on animal would just be weird!

Re my credit card info, I have lots of different numbers on it so you might want to be a bit more specific. The name on the card is Visa.

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Porn Broker
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:11 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Is this some kind of joke? I would be delighted to undertake this job for you as long as you are being genuine. The time it will take to write a proposal to suit your needs will take up much time and I will only be willing to spend that time if I feel we could come to a proper working agreement.

I apologise for my bluntness but I need to make sure that it is worth my time.


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Bobbie,

Thanks for your email and sorry if you think I’m wasting your time. I know what it feels like because the other day I was waiting at the cinema to go and watch that Avatar movie and I queued up for about 20 minutes and when I got to the ticket box the spotty kid behind the bullet-proof glass said he had just sold the last ticket so I had to wait another 3 hours to go and watch a later showing. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I walked around for a bit and pretended to be a retarded tramp who would dance for money so that I could afford the extortionate price they charge for popcorn and when I finally got to see the film I was most disappointed. The picture was very blurry and the colour was awful. When I looked around to see if anyone else was squinting as much as me, I found that they were all wearing dark glasses for some reason. I guess it is a new fashion that I missed. Anyway the point is that I wasted about 7 hours of my life which is about the same as smoking half a cigarette. Given that I don’t smoke you can understand my annoyance. The only consolation was that for 3 of those hours I was sitting in the cinema which was dark enough for people not to notice my masturbating over that blue alien woman. She was so hot.

Many thanks.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Animal Rapist
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:31 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

You are obviously just wasting my time so I consider this arrangement closed.


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:39 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Roberto,

Sorry to hear that. I had already set a budget for this and spent most of yesterday on the phone to Geneva trying to get funds moved from my various numbered accounts over there. I have to go under a pseudonym because I’m wanted for drug smuggling and slave trading and fear I will be shot on site. Apparently they can still do that.

Many thanks.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
The Don
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:04 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Please do not email me again or I will report you!


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:12 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

OK!

English Language Strangeness Part 3

As seen on Eddsport Magazine

The only shred of dignity Britain will have left after Europe becomes one giant amorphous blob is the English language, which most experts agree should become the official Euro-tongue.

However, the ever efficient Germans suggest that English spelling does have room for improvement and that a 5 year plan has been drawn up to develop ‘EuroEnglish’.

In the first year, ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’ and ‘k’ will replace the hard ‘c’. Not only will this klear up konfusion and make the life of sivil servants easier, but also komputer keyboards will need one less key.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replased with an ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to a stage where more komplikated alterations are possible. So double letters will be removed to inkrease the liklihod of akurate speling. The horible mes of the silent ‘e’ wil also be banishd.

By the fourth yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps like replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yar, ozer silent leters like 'w' vil be holy removed and ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and similar modifikations vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

English Language Strangeness Part 2

Did You Know that the words "race car" spelled backward spells race car, that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate".

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent bastards and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you too."

How weird is that?

English Language Strangeness Part 1

Isn’t it funny that:

You add an “h” to “hug,” you get Hugh. Since the “h” is silent in England you would think you would get “hug” right back again. In England is Hugh Grant called Hug? No!

You add an “e” to hop and you get “hope” but if you add an “e” to “to,” you get “toe.” That “e” can change an “ah” sound to “oh” or an “uuh” like in “you” to “oh.” Oh, yes! Add an “e” to “trip” and you get “tripe” and who wants that?

I like Spanish where vowels behave themselves.

And you can spell “rough” as “ruff” both of which are pronounced “ruhf.”

You know what your spell checker will do with “ruhf.

“Ruff” is that “stiffly starched frilled or pleated circular collar of lace, muslin, or other fine fabric, worn by men and women in the 16th and 17th centuries.”

Suicide Bombers

The legendary Jeff Dunham with Walter and Achmed the dead terrorist

Border Crossing

Now let me see if i understand all this...

If you cross the north korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the afghan border illegally - you get shot.

If you cross the saudi arabian border illegally - you will be jailed.

If you cross the chinese border illegally - you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the venezuelan border illegally - you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the cuban border illegally - you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

if you cross the british border illegally - you get a job, a drivers license, social security card, welfare, food stamps, credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house, free education, free health care, a lobbyist in parliment and in many instances you can vote! And of course you'd vote, no doubt for labour - to keep the perks and keep them in!!!