Council Tax Discount

A few weeks ago I received a letter from the council asking if I still live on my own and checking whether I was still eligable for the loner's discount. They were expecting me to pay for a stamp to post a letter back to them. I never did get an answer to any of my questions...



From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, December 1, 2009 10:14 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: Council Tax Discount

Dear Mr Council person

Thank you so much for your letter asking if I live on my own. It is nice to know that you care so much about my well-being, especially at this time of year when we are all reminded to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves even though none of us really care. Even the other day I kicked a tramp to the floor because I didn’t want to give him my spare change. You know you should really do something about cleaning up this town a bit…

Anyway, I can confirm that I do indeed live on my own. Sometimes I get very lonely and cry myself to sleep at night. It is OK though because I have invented an imaginary friend who keeps me company and stops me from going mental.

Just out of curiosity, could you please answer a couple of questions for me?

1. If I live on my own, why am I only given a 25% discount when there are 50% fewer people living here than if there were two?
2. Why, when I pay such an obscene amount in council tax, are you making me pay for the cost of a stamp to post a letter to you? Are you really that tight?

Lots of love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Tuesday, December 1, 2009 15:24 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your enquiry. We need to confirm that you are the sole occupant of your property. If, as you stated, you are sharing your residency with another person you are no longer entitled to the 25 percent single occupancy discount.

If you could please confirm this in writing within the next 7 days we will amend your direct debit appropriately.

Yours Sincerely

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Thursday, December 3, 2009 12:28 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Hi Waynetta,

Thanks for your email and for conveniently not answering any of my questions.

I can confirm that I do live on my own so please don’t take any more money from my account otherwise I will not be able to pay off Big Norman the dodgy loan shark and he will make me suck his dick as payment and I really don’t want to go through that again. He is built like a donkey and I nearly choked last time.

I’m a little confused as to why you think I stated I’m not living on my own. I’m not sure that my imaginary friend is entitled to pay council tax or is there a new imaginary friend tax that I’m not aware of. Also, I have a couple more questions for you.

1. When you say I have to reply within 7 days do you mean 7 days from when you sent the email or 7 days since I could be arsed to read it?
2. Are you going to answer any of my previous questions?

Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Thursday, December 3, 2009 16:34 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

We need confirmation in writing that you are the sole occupier of your property.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 09:20 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… ker

I have confirmed in writing. In fact I am sitting at my computer right now writing to confirm that I have already confirmed. I would write a letter using the old fashioned method of using pen and paper but I can not afford a pen because I pay so much in council tax I can’t afford such luxuries. Neither can I afford a stamp. Seeing as you take all of my money, would you be able to post a stamp to me or at least use some of the money you have taken from me and buy one of those pre-paid envelopes?

I have now told my imaginary friend to leave so I am now definitely the sole occupier of my house. This has left be totally devastated and heart-broken but I believe it is for the best. I don’t want you to think I am robbing you of money you feel you deserve because I know the council would never do that to me (did you get the ironic tone in that statement?).

Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon and maybe you might answer some of my questions?

Lots of love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 11:04 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

We need written confirmation as we require a signature to verify against our records.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 11:27 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… king

OK I have attached an image of my signature for your records. I hope this is sufficient.



Merry Christmas!

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 13:47 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

If you are indeed the sole occupant of your home we will continue to apply the 25 percent discount. If your situation changes at any time you must inform us immediately.

We will automatically issue another confirmation letter next year.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 14:13 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… ona ryder

Next year will you post a stamp or send a pre-paid envelope?

Thanks in advance for not answering.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

Eastern European Scam

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here ' s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October the 4th, the 9th, and the 10th, twice on the 15th, once each on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 8th, 15th. 21st twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. may I suggest that Aldi have wallets on sale for 1.99 each but Lidl have them at 1.75 and look better

Important legal disclaimer

All published items in this blog may, or may not be, fictional or factual.

Any references to persons or organisations living, dead, in existance or figments of anyone's imagination are purely coincidental.

The thoughts and opinions expressed in these blogs are not necessarily shared by anyone else or even me.

These blogs contain none of your business whatsoever. You are not at liberty to read them and to be offended in any way is your own fault.

Anything written on this blog is for my amusement only. By viewing my private amusement gubbins, you are technically trespassing so please don't get all arsey about it.

I am a pretty little girl.

This site is not suitable for people without a sense of humour. Any people without one should seek professional help.

By reading anything on this disclaimer, you are agreeing that I cannot be held responsible for anything.

More to follow...

Love letters from Getty

I received a letter through the post from Getty Images. Apparently I had used one of their images on my website and they were demanding nearly £1,000 in “compensation”. I nearly shit myself when I read that letter. Below is a copy of the letter and the subsequent email correspondence.




From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, April 3, 2009 11:21 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: unauthorized use of image

Dear Mr Getty,

Thank you for your letter and your kind offer to let me to pay you £894.20. Unfortunately I will have to decline this offer because I have no money. I did phone my local hospital to ask if I could sell one of my kidneys but they told me they are no good pickled and that I should stop drinking.

Kind Regards

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Monday, April 13, 2009 15:44 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Thank you for your email. Getty Images cannot be held responsible for your financial position and we maintain our claim for damages of £894.20 (plus IRL VAT).

Getty Images must receive compensation for the prior unauthorised use. Getty Images is willing to accept £794.20 (plus IRL VAT) in settlement if payment in full is received by April 28, 2009. Getty Images makes this offer without prejudice and reserves all rights and remedies available under copyright law. If your company is VAT registered, please provide your VAT number so the VAT can be deducted.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:26 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Mrs Getty,

Firstly let me apologise for referring to you as Mr Getty in my first email. It is sexist to assume that you are a man, especially in this day and age of equal rights, and I really hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for yet another kind offer. I can’t afford that either because I have just bought myself some Oakley sun glasses. I can’t believe how expensive those things are! Anyway, given that I don't know what image you are referring to and if I did indeed use an image it would have either been an accident or due the fact that I was under the influence of illegal Class A drugs at the time I'm affraid I will have to claim ignorance on this matter. Also, can you clarify what you mean by claiming damages? I have no recollection of damaging any image and I can assure you I reserve all my violence for those Jehovas Witnesses that keep knocking on my door asking me to stop worshiping Satan and join their cult. I If you would be so kind as to let me know which image you are banging on about I will removed it and then go and flush my head down the toilet and whip myself with spikey wire like that albino bloke out of the da Vinci code for being so ignorant. Would this suffice? It would certainly mean less hassle for both of us.

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Rings
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2009 16:35 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Thank you for your email. Copyright exists in an image upon the moment of creation and you must obtain permission prior to use. Although the removal of the image is appreciated, Getty Images must receive compensation for the prior use. Getty Images must receive £894.20 (plus IRL VAT).

Getty Images strongly recommends that you take this matter seriously. Failure to comply may result in legal action.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:26 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Lord Getty,

Firstly, thanks for waiting until the 28th April deadline has passed before responding. I appreciate these are difficult times we live in now and you're probably not making any money by selling poor quality images to rubbish designers and this is the only way your company is making any money but I think that was a bit below the belt.

The thought of legal action is certainly worth thinking about. I certainly don’t want to end up in prison because I hear they make you pick up the soap. Given that I’m not exactly a butch fellow, the thought of being a sex slave of Mr Big fills me with dread.

As I am now living in a cardboard box in the street and my only income is from the occasional pennies that passersby drop in the tray next to me, I obviously can’t afford to pay you. Instead I have attached a self portrait of myself that I will happily give you permission to use in your library. I value the image at £894.20 (+ Irish VAT). I hope this exchange will bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion.



Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Dance
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Monday, May 11, 2009 16:35 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Getty Images will not accept imagery as an alternative source of payment.

Getty Images' position remains unchanged. Getty Images continues to maintain its unauthorised use claim in the amount of £894.20 (plus IRL VAT). Getty Images makes this offer without prejudice to its legal rights and remedies available under copyright law, all of which are expressly reserved.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance


From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 09:13 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Emperor Getty,

That is a real shame. That was a masterpiece and I put a lot of thought and effort into that drawing. I may have to charge you for labour costs for the time it took me to draw it. Taking into account my hourly rate, I reckon £894.20 (+ IRL VAT) would cover it. Seeing as you are also quoting Irish VAT even though your office is in London (presumably because Irish VAT is more than UK VAT and you may or may not be sleeping with the tax man) I was going to suggest I buy you 358 pints of Guinness to cover the costs but then I remembered I don't have any money so that idea fell flat on its head.

Also, the thought of legal action and time in prison has left me so worried I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. My face has come out in spots and I have blotches all over my body which my doctor reckons is stress related. I have been in touch with my legal adviser (well he’s not actually a legal adviser but he is some bloke I see down the pub every night and once at an Impotence Anonymous meeting that I attend). He told me that my idea of pleading insanity is a stupid one and I should be ashamed of myself for coming up with something so insane, which I thought was quite ironic. He did however make a valid point that the UK has a policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

Anyway, I will have to discuss terms for my arrest and possible execution with my legal adviser when he gets out of prison for tax evasion, extortion and first degree murder so I will be back in touch with you within the next 25-30 years.

I thank you in advance for your patience.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Supreme Overlord
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

An Irate British Citizen

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my Television is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house and then you ask me for my address. Do you really need me to point out the absurdity of that? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there?

Also, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Osama Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of weeks of well earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one - to the tune of 60 quid I might add! What a racket that is!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But no, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off and then find some tosser to confirm that it is really me on the god damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defense in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago was living in Pakistan!

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.