I hate rudeness. Unless I’m the one being rude, I think it is the most unnecessary act possible next to murder, rape, theft and being American. So when I get rude emails from accountants with less charm and charisma than Gordon Brown’s buttocks it makes me quite angry.
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:07 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: Error!
We seem to have identified a problem with our online ordering system. It appears that some invoices have been duplicated. For example on 22/1/11 order no: 38602 and 38603
are for the same order. How can this happen?
There are a lot of these and I need it sorted now!
Regards
Clive
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:34 AM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clive,
Nothing is actually being duplicated. If you look at the orders in your control panel, you will see that they are two separate orders. The first one has a big red cross next to it with a message saying the transaction failed. The next one has a nice big green tick next to it with a message saying the order was successfully paid for. What I assume happened is the customer put the wrong card number in or something like that and, instead of typing it in again correctly, decided to start the order from scratch. Sometimes people can be a bit silly. For example, before Google Analytics came along and made all other web stats programs redundant, I built a nice little program that showed how many people visited their website. One of the reports showed which countries their visitors came from. It had a nicely coloured world map and everything!
Anyway, for various reasons, I couldn’t establish all the countries so I grouped them all together under a title of “Unknown”. To my amusement, someone phoned me to ask where people from unknown came from. I told her I didn’t know because it’s unknown. She got very confused by that and asked why I didn’t know where people from unknown came from. When I told her I don’t know, this started a very silly conversation whereby I had to explain what the word unknown means.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:51 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
This has a serious effect on our sales! It never occurred to me to ask you NOT to send failed orders. I thought that was obvious.
I attach a report of all the duplicated entries in January. I need you to supply us with a report of all the failed entries that re-ordered.
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:13 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clive,
As soon as someone has added all their items to the shopping basket and clicked the “Pay Now” button, the order is added to the system with a big black question mark and a message saying “pending” which, if you look in a thesaurus, means “awaiting”, “during”, “in the course of”, “forthcoming”. There are a few other words and phrases for it as well. You should try reading a thesaurus. I find reading it is really good if I can’t get to sleep. I once dozed off while looking up alternative words to “masturbation”. True story.
In answer to your first point, you originally told me you wanted to export ALL orders. I don’t recall you ever saying you wanted only successful orders. Sadly, I haven’t yet developed the power of mind reading. I am currently working on my ability to move objects with the power of my mind but I’m not having much luck. I thought I had made a breakthrough last week when I managed to get my pen to roll across the desk and into my hand but my excitement was short-lived when I remembered that the floor is uneven and my desk slopes slightly.
In answer to your second question, you can see how many failed orders there have been by counting the number of orders with a red cross next to them. I took the liberty of counting for you and can see that there are 5. I also counted the number of pending/incomplete/forthcoming/in progress/yet to finish/awaiting completion orders and saw there was only 1. I tried counting all the successful orders but sadly I can’t count higher than 10 and gave up.
Lots of Love
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Sarcasmoholic
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:22 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
All I want is for the successful orders everything else is irrelevant to me. Also it seems that when an order fails the customer starts a new order instead of using the existing one. There must be a way we can stop customers from creating a new order when there is an outstanding order awaiting payment.
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:01 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clive,
So when you originally asked me to build a system that exports all orders, what you actually meant was you wanted me to build a system that only exports successful orders? Is this correct? I’m glad to see that you are on the ball enough to spot this after only a year of using the system.
And yes there is a way of preventing customers from creating new orders. All you have to do is build a time machine and go back in time to tell them not to start a new order before they do it. However, this does have a down side in that if you go back in time to warn them not to make an order they have yet to make they will not know what you are talking about because they haven’t made the order yet. They will probably think you are a mentalist. The other problem with that is time travel is not currently possible.
Another possible solution would be to master the power of mind control and prevent them from making an order that way. However, as I mentioned in my previous email, I have yet to master those powers so cannot yet pass on my knowledge.
Yours eternally
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Pop
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:16 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
All we are concerned with in the accounts is with the orders that have been paid for. Surely it is not hard for you to only send us the orders that have been paid?
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:33 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi again Clive,
You are indeed right. It is not hard to do at all. I don’t have any other customers that I’m currently doing jobs for and I’m not actually doing anything at the moment except seeing how far I can flick a coin off the desk with my ruler. I managed to get one across the whole length of the office last week but haven’t been able to do it since so I think that may have been a fluke. I am using one of those small 15 centimetre rulers to give myself a bit more of a challenge because I think using one of those big 30 centimetre rulers would be too easy given the amount of leverage possible. Plus I had my big ruler confiscated by the boss last week because I kept sticking it down my trousers and standing behind our receptionist, smiling. Apparently that is considered sexual harassment these days.
I understand that being an accountant you are probably only interested in stuff that has been paid for. As it is common knowledge that accountants have no personality or social skills, I guess there is little else for you to need.
So, based on that, I will now drop everything else I’m doing and work my way through the 600 lines of code to get the system to work in a way that wasn’t asked for in the first place.
Yours forever
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:38 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
I don’t care about silly games that you are playing in your office and it sounds to me like you are wasting my time! I want to know if you can make the change and when you can do it!
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:50 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clarky,
Well, having dropped everything else I was doing and having fallen behind schedule on deadlines for other projects, I have established that it is possible to alter the code to filter the orders. Based on my hourly rate, I would reckon on only about £45 to make this change.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Taste the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:54 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
What? Why should I have to pay? This is quite clearly a bug in the system!
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:12 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clark,
Thanks for another email. I’m really enjoying receiving emails from you. I have an email notification sound of Homer Simpson telling me the mail is here so I get really excited whenever one comes in because it makes me sound very popular.
Anyway, the reason I’m charging is because this is a change in the initial requirements. It is not a bug. A bug causes something that was previously functioning to stop working. This is working the way it has for well over a year now.
I could understand your frustration if it was a bug but given that you signed off the project over a year ago and have been using it with seemingly no problems for the duration, I would still have charged. I bought a new car last December when it was really, really cold. In July when the weather was hot enough for my neighbour’s 18 year old daughter to sunbathe topless in the back garden, I put the air conditioning on in the car so I didn’t overheat when spying on her. To my horror (and ultimate dehydration) my air-conditioning didn’t work. I phoned the dealership I bought the car from but I was told that the warranty had expired and I had to pay. As annoyed as I was, I accepted the fact that I paid for it without checking that everything worked. Also, I had been using the car for 7 months before I realised.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Bull Fighter
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:19 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
Well I’m not paying £45 for something that in my opinion should be free!
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:37 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Hi Clark,
That is fair enough. I wouldn’t pay for something that was free either. Sometimes I resent having to pay for something that costs money. I recently bought that new Robin Hood film with Russell Crowe in it. It has to be one of the worst films I’ve seen in years. I know Russell Crowe can’t act anyway so I wasn’t expecting great things from him but the film as a whole was awful. That seriously is 2 and a half hours of my life I want back.
I must apologise because my original quote of £45 was way off the mark. I forgot to allow for my time spent analysing the existing system and having to look through 600 lines of code. I also didn’t factor in my time spent corresponding with you. The actual price now comes to £1,475.
Please let me know if this is satisfactory.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Debt Collector
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:50 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!
No it is not satisfactory. Are you going to do the work for me or not? And I am not paying for it!
From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:51 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!
Dear Clark,
No.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Chief Terminator
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
