Recently I have been getting lots of emails from bizarre "companies" offering to optimize my website for me. Now being the curious kind of chap I thought I would see what happened if I responded to one of them.
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 08:22 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: Internet Marketing Services
We would like to get your website on first page of Google.
All of our processes use the most ethical "white hat" Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized. Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 10:58 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hello Robert and thanks for your very informative email about your Search Engine Optimization service. It certainly sounds genuine!
Anyway, I really am very interested and would like you to get my website to number 1 on Google because I think that will make my dream come true of being a millionaire before I’m 30. Would you also like my credit card details now or would you prefer me to bend over first so you can shaft me properly?
Kind Regards
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:07 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hello Mr Prous
Thanks for your interest in our services. If you could provide us with more information about your website we will draft up a proposal for you.
I am a bit confused about your final comment. We will only require you to send us your credit card once you have agreed to the proposal.
Thanks
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:36 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hello Rob,
Basically I run and operate a pornographic website, mainly focused on the animal kingdom. It used to be primarily sheep and goats but I have recently discovered that there is more of a market in underage chickens. I used to have a website dedicated to necrophilia but that idea died.
Thanks for clearing up the confusion about my credit card. So when you say you need me to send my credit card, would you want me to post it to you? I don’t have any envelopes at the moment but I do have a rather big box that I could fill with bubble wrap and those funny polystyrene things. I would like to keep my credit card safe because there are a lot of thieves around these days don’t you think?
Thanks
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Porn
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 09:46 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Are you serious? When you say it is based around animals, do you mean pictures of animals on animals or animals with humans? We are of course more than happy to undertake a project containing any material but we need to make sure we get all the facts straight before writing a proposal.
I think you misunderstand. We do not require you to post us your credit card we just need the credit card number and name on card etc.
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hi Robbie,
Well of course it’s animals and humans. I mean animal on animal would just be weird!
Re my credit card info, I have lots of different numbers on it so you might want to be a bit more specific. The name on the card is Visa.
Thanks
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Porn Broker
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:11 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Is this some kind of joke? I would be delighted to undertake this job for you as long as you are being genuine. The time it will take to write a proposal to suit your needs will take up much time and I will only be willing to spend that time if I feel we could come to a proper working agreement.
I apologise for my bluntness but I need to make sure that it is worth my time.
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hi Bobbie,
Thanks for your email and sorry if you think I’m wasting your time. I know what it feels like because the other day I was waiting at the cinema to go and watch that Avatar movie and I queued up for about 20 minutes and when I got to the ticket box the spotty kid behind the bullet-proof glass said he had just sold the last ticket so I had to wait another 3 hours to go and watch a later showing. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I walked around for a bit and pretended to be a retarded tramp who would dance for money so that I could afford the extortionate price they charge for popcorn and when I finally got to see the film I was most disappointed. The picture was very blurry and the colour was awful. When I looked around to see if anyone else was squinting as much as me, I found that they were all wearing dark glasses for some reason. I guess it is a new fashion that I missed. Anyway the point is that I wasted about 7 hours of my life which is about the same as smoking half a cigarette. Given that I don’t smoke you can understand my annoyance. The only consolation was that for 3 of those hours I was sitting in the cinema which was dark enough for people not to notice my masturbating over that blue alien woman. She was so hot.
Many thanks.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Animal Rapist
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:31 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
You are obviously just wasting my time so I consider this arrangement closed.
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:39 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Hi Roberto,
Sorry to hear that. I had already set a budget for this and spent most of yesterday on the phone to Geneva trying to get funds moved from my various numbered accounts over there. I have to go under a pseudonym because I’m wanted for drug smuggling and slave trading and fear I will be shot on site. Apparently they can still do that.
Many thanks.
Dr Dave Liam Prous
The Don
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138
From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:04 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
Please do not email me again or I will report you!
From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:12 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services
OK!
