Wednesday 12 October 2011

Can we have our planet back?


The effervescent Marcus Brigstocke gives his view on religion. Some serious home truths to be found here.

I'd like to start this week with a request, and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: the Muslims, Christians, and Jews. It's just a little thing really but… do you think that when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you do it, do you think that maybe the rest of us could have our planet back? I wouldn't ask, but I'm starting to think that there must be something written in the special books that each of you so enjoy referring to that says it's ok to behave like precious, petulant, pugnacious, pricks.

Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off. It's mainly the extremists obviously, but not exclusively. It's a lot of 'main-streamers' as well. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down, ok? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that's said about you is an attack on the prophet Mohammed and Allah that needs to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out. I mean seriously, what's wrong with a strongly-worded letter to The Times?

Christians: you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules; either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh, and stop pretending you're celibate as a cover-up for being a gay or a nonce. Right, that's two ticked off.

Jews! I know you're god's 'Chosen People' and the rest of us are just “whatever”, but when
Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it that doesn't make them anti-Semitic. And for the record, your troubled history is not a license to act with impunity now.

Please don't kill us, seriously. As far as I'm concerned this is the only chance we get. When we die it's all over – there are no virgins and pearly gates waiting for us, no big, beardy man saying:

"Right, so how do you think that went, then? Killed a lot of people in my name I see. Not really what I had in mind. Um, tell you what, have another go as a worm."

Lydia Playfoot, the girl who took Millay School in Horsham to the high court so she could wear jewelry to prove she's staying a virgin for Jesus, lost her case. Good. I'm glad. I don't care how many times her parents claim it was her idea; rules are rules and if you want to wear a ring that tells everyone you're not having any sex, you can get married like the rest of us.

Now, the lawyer for the chaste Miss Playfoot said the question for the judge was 'What are the religious rights of school children in the school context?' Well, I'm no judge (not yet, anyway), but if you want my opinion, none. No rights. No religious rights whatsoever. Schools are for learning. If you want to have a little pray to prevent the P.E. teacher from being a colossal pervert, then go ahead, fill your boots. If you want to pop on a feathered headdress and chant and dance and mumble and sacrifice something you can do that in your own time.

Now, I know that most religious folk are moderate and reasonable and wear tidy jumpers and eat cheese, like real people. And on hearing this they'll mainly feel pity for me, rather than issue a death sentence. But they have to accept that they are the power base for these nutters. Without their passive support the loonies in charge of these faiths would just be loonies, safely locked away and medicated - somewhere nice with a view of some trees where they can claim they have a direct channel to god between sessions making tapestry coasters, watching Teletubbies and talking about their days in the Hitler Youth.

Imagine what humanity might be capable of if we had that much spare time! We could explore space properly, have a decent look in the sea and find a cure for James Blunt.

Thursday 9 June 2011

Muslims in Venice

Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets...



...So far 547 have drowned. Nice job!

Tuesday 24 May 2011

Dear Clive, you are a prick!

I hate rudeness. Unless I’m the one being rude, I think it is the most unnecessary act possible next to murder, rape, theft and being American. So when I get rude emails from accountants with less charm and charisma than Gordon Brown’s buttocks it makes me quite angry.


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:07 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: Error!

We seem to have identified a problem with our online ordering system. It appears that some invoices have been duplicated. For example on 22/1/11 order no: 38602 and 38603
are for the same order. How can this happen?

There are a lot of these and I need it sorted now!

Regards
Clive


From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:34 AM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

Nothing is actually being duplicated. If you look at the orders in your control panel, you will see that they are two separate orders. The first one has a big red cross next to it with a message saying the transaction failed. The next one has a nice big green tick next to it with a message saying the order was successfully paid for. What I assume happened is the customer put the wrong card number in or something like that and, instead of typing it in again correctly, decided to start the order from scratch. Sometimes people can be a bit silly. For example, before Google Analytics came along and made all other web stats programs redundant, I built a nice little program that showed how many people visited their website. One of the reports showed which countries their visitors came from. It had a nicely coloured world map and everything!

Anyway, for various reasons, I couldn’t establish all the countries so I grouped them all together under a title of “Unknown”. To my amusement, someone phoned me to ask where people from unknown came from. I told her I didn’t know because it’s unknown. She got very confused by that and asked why I didn’t know where people from unknown came from. When I told her I don’t know, this started a very silly conversation whereby I had to explain what the word unknown means.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:51 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!


This has a serious effect on our sales! It never occurred to me to ask you NOT to send failed orders. I thought that was obvious.

I attach a report of all the duplicated entries in January. I need you to supply us with a report of all the failed entries that re-ordered.


From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:13 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

As soon as someone has added all their items to the shopping basket and clicked the “Pay Now” button, the order is added to the system with a big black question mark and a message saying “pending” which, if you look in a thesaurus, means “awaiting”, “during”, “in the course of”, “forthcoming”. There are a few other words and phrases for it as well. You should try reading a thesaurus. I find reading it is really good if I can’t get to sleep. I once dozed off while looking up alternative words to “masturbation”. True story.

In answer to your first point, you originally told me you wanted to export ALL orders. I don’t recall you ever saying you wanted only successful orders. Sadly, I haven’t yet developed the power of mind reading. I am currently working on my ability to move objects with the power of my mind but I’m not having much luck. I thought I had made a breakthrough last week when I managed to get my pen to roll across the desk and into my hand but my excitement was short-lived when I remembered that the floor is uneven and my desk slopes slightly.

In answer to your second question, you can see how many failed orders there have been by counting the number of orders with a red cross next to them. I took the liberty of counting for you and can see that there are 5. I also counted the number of pending/incomplete/forthcoming/in progress/yet to finish/awaiting completion orders and saw there was only 1. I tried counting all the successful orders but sadly I can’t count higher than 10 and gave up.

Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Sarcasmoholic
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:22 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

All I want is for the successful orders everything else is irrelevant to me. Also it seems that when an order fails the customer starts a new order instead of using the existing one. There must be a way we can stop customers from creating a new order when there is an outstanding order awaiting payment.



From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:01 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

So when you originally asked me to build a system that exports all orders, what you actually meant was you wanted me to build a system that only exports successful orders? Is this correct? I’m glad to see that you are on the ball enough to spot this after only a year of using the system.

And yes there is a way of preventing customers from creating new orders. All you have to do is build a time machine and go back in time to tell them not to start a new order before they do it. However, this does have a down side in that if you go back in time to warn them not to make an order they have yet to make they will not know what you are talking about because they haven’t made the order yet. They will probably think you are a mentalist. The other problem with that is time travel is not currently possible.

Another possible solution would be to master the power of mind control and prevent them from making an order that way. However, as I mentioned in my previous email, I have yet to master those powers so cannot yet pass on my knowledge.

Yours eternally

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Pop
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:16 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

All we are concerned with in the accounts is with the orders that have been paid for. Surely it is not hard for you to only send us the orders that have been paid?


From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:33 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!


Hi again Clive,

You are indeed right. It is not hard to do at all. I don’t have any other customers that I’m currently doing jobs for and I’m not actually doing anything at the moment except seeing how far I can flick a coin off the desk with my ruler. I managed to get one across the whole length of the office last week but haven’t been able to do it since so I think that may have been a fluke. I am using one of those small 15 centimetre rulers to give myself a bit more of a challenge because I think using one of those big 30 centimetre rulers would be too easy given the amount of leverage possible. Plus I had my big ruler confiscated by the boss last week because I kept sticking it down my trousers and standing behind our receptionist, smiling. Apparently that is considered sexual harassment these days.

I understand that being an accountant you are probably only interested in stuff that has been paid for. As it is common knowledge that accountants have no personality or social skills, I guess there is little else for you to need.

So, based on that, I will now drop everything else I’m doing and work my way through the 600 lines of code to get the system to work in a way that wasn’t asked for in the first place.

Yours forever

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:38 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

I don’t care about silly games that you are playing in your office and it sounds to me like you are wasting my time! I want to know if you can make the change and when you can do it!



From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:50 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clarky,

Well, having dropped everything else I was doing and having fallen behind schedule on deadlines for other projects, I have established that it is possible to alter the code to filter the orders. Based on my hourly rate, I would reckon on only about £45 to make this change.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Taste the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:54 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

What? Why should I have to pay? This is quite clearly a bug in the system!


From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:12 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clark,

Thanks for another email. I’m really enjoying receiving emails from you. I have an email notification sound of Homer Simpson telling me the mail is here so I get really excited whenever one comes in because it makes me sound very popular.

Anyway, the reason I’m charging is because this is a change in the initial requirements. It is not a bug. A bug causes something that was previously functioning to stop working. This is working the way it has for well over a year now.

I could understand your frustration if it was a bug but given that you signed off the project over a year ago and have been using it with seemingly no problems for the duration, I would still have charged. I bought a new car last December when it was really, really cold. In July when the weather was hot enough for my neighbour’s 18 year old daughter to sunbathe topless in the back garden, I put the air conditioning on in the car so I didn’t overheat when spying on her. To my horror (and ultimate dehydration) my air-conditioning didn’t work. I phoned the dealership I bought the car from but I was told that the warranty had expired and I had to pay. As annoyed as I was, I accepted the fact that I paid for it without checking that everything worked. Also, I had been using the car for 7 months before I realised.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Bull Fighter
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138


From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:19 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

Well I’m not paying £45 for something that in my opinion should be free!



From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:37 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clark,

That is fair enough. I wouldn’t pay for something that was free either. Sometimes I resent having to pay for something that costs money. I recently bought that new Robin Hood film with Russell Crowe in it. It has to be one of the worst films I’ve seen in years. I know Russell Crowe can’t act anyway so I wasn’t expecting great things from him but the film as a whole was awful. That seriously is 2 and a half hours of my life I want back.

I must apologise because my original quote of £45 was way off the mark. I forgot to allow for my time spent analysing the existing system and having to look through 600 lines of code. I also didn’t factor in my time spent corresponding with you. The actual price now comes to £1,475.

Please let me know if this is satisfactory.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Debt Collector
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138



From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:50 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

No it is not satisfactory. Are you going to do the work for me or not? And I am not paying for it!



From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:51 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Dear Clark,

No.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Chief Terminator
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

Friday 1 April 2011

How racist are you?

Look at the photo and answer the questions below. If you answer them all correctly then you are not a racist. If not, shame on you!



1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?

Answers on a postcard please.

Monday 1 November 2010

Equal opportunity or double standards?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .. you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't .. you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you're not ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Friday 10 September 2010

Explaining politics to a child

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy so the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."