The Lord Depravus Blog

Can we have our planet back?

2011-10-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

The effervescent Marcus Brigstocke gives his view on religion. Some serious home truths to be found here.

I'd like to start this week with a request,and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: theMuslims, Christians, and Jews. It's just a little thing really but… do youthink that when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other tobits and demanding special privileges while you do it, do you think that maybethe rest of us could have our planet back? I wouldn't ask, but I'mstarting to think that there must be something written in the special booksthat each of you so enjoy referring to that says it's ok to behave likeprecious, petulant, pugnacious, pricks.

Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissingme off. It's mainly the extremists obviously, but not exclusively. It's a lotof 'main-streamers' as well. Let me give you an example of what I'm talkingabout.

Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down,ok? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that's said about you is an attack onthe prophet Mohammed and Allah that needs to end in the infidel beingdestroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chillout. I mean seriously, what's wrong with a strongly-worded letter to The Times?

Christians: you and your churches don't get to be millionaireswhile other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules; either stickto them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judgeto be immoral. Oh, and stop pretending you're celibate as a cover-up forbeing a gay or a nonce. Right, that's two ticked off.

Jews! I know you're god's 'Chosen People' and the rest of usare just “whatever”, but when

Israel

behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it that doesn'tmake them anti-Semitic. And for the record, your troubled history is not alicense to act with impunity now.

Please don't kill us, seriously. As far as I'm concerned this is the onlychance we get. When we die it's all over – there are no virgins and pearlygates waiting for us, no big, beardy man saying:

"Right,so how do you think that went, then? Killed a lot of people in my name I see.Not really what I had in mind. Um, tell you what, have another go as aworm."

Lydia Playfoot, the girl who took Millay School in Horsham to the high courtso she could wear jewelry to prove she's staying a virgin for Jesus, lost hercase. Good. I'm glad. I don't care how many times her parents claim it was her idea; rules are rules and if you want to wear a ring that tells everyone you're not having any sex, you can get married like the rest of us.

Now, the lawyer for the chaste Miss Playfoot said the question for the judgewas 'What are the religious rights of school children in the school context?'Well, I'm no judge (not yet, anyway), but if you want my opinion, none. Norights. No religious rights whatsoever. Schools are for learning. If you wantto have a little pray to prevent the P.E. teacher from being a colossalpervert, then go ahead, fill your boots. If you want to pop on a featheredheaddress and chant and dance and mumble and sacrifice something you can dothat in your own time.

Now, I know that most religious folk are moderate and reasonable and wear tidyjumpers and eat cheese, like real people. And on hearing this they'll mainlyfeel pity for me, rather than issue a death sentence. But they have to acceptthat they are the power base for these nutters. Without their passive supportthe loonies in charge of these faiths would just be loonies, safely locked awayand medicated - somewhere nice with a view of some trees where they can claimthey have a direct channel to god between sessions making tapestry coasters,watching Teletubbies and talking about their days in the Hitler Youth.

Imagine what humanity might be capable ofif we had that much spare time! We could explore space properly, have a decentlook in the sea and find a cure for James Blunt.

Equal rights for Ninjas

2011-10-10T02:10:00.001-07:00

Muslims in Venice

2011-06-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

Because there are no mosques in Venice, The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets...

...So far 547 have drowned. Nice job!

Dear Clive, you are a prick!

2011-05-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

I hate rudeness. Unless I’m the one being rude, I think it is the most unnecessary act possible next to murder, rape, theft and being American. So when I get rude emails from accountants with less charm and charisma than Gordon Brown’s buttocks it makes me quite angry.

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:07 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: Error!

We seem to have identified a problem with our online ordering system. It appears that some invoices have been duplicated. For example on 22/1/11 order no: 38602 and 38603
are for the same order. How can this happen?

There are a lot of these and I need it sorted now!

Regards
Clive

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:34 AM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

Nothing is actually being duplicated. If you look at the orders in your control panel, you will see that they are two separate orders. The first one has a big red cross next to it with a message saying the transaction failed. The next one has a nice big green tick next to it with a message saying the order was successfully paid for. What I assume happened is the customer put the wrong card number in or something like that and, instead of typing it in again correctly, decided to start the order from scratch. Sometimes people can be a bit silly. For example, before Google Analytics came along and made all other web stats programs redundant, I built a nice little program that showed how many people visited their website. One of the reports showed which countries their visitors came from. It had a nicely coloured world map and everything!

Anyway, for various reasons, I couldn’t establish all the countries so I grouped them all together under a title of “Unknown”. To my amusement, someone phoned me to ask where people from unknown came from. I told her I didn’t know because it’s unknown. She got very confused by that and asked why I didn’t know where people from unknown came from. When I told her I don’t know, this started a very silly conversation whereby I had to explain what the word unknown means.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 11:51 AM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

This has a serious effect on our sales! It never occurred to me to ask you NOT to send failed orders. I thought that was obvious.

I attach a report of all the duplicated entries in January. I need you to supply us with a report of all the failed entries that re-ordered.

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:13 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

As soon as someone has added all their items to the shopping basket and clicked the “Pay Now” button, the order is added to the system with a big black question mark and a message saying “pending” which, if you look in a thesaurus, means “awaiting”, “during”, “in the course of”, “forthcoming”. There are a few other words and phrases for it as well. You should try reading a thesaurus. I find reading it is really good if I can’t get to sleep. I once dozed off while looking up alternative words to “masturbation”. True story.

In answer to your first point, you originally told me you wanted to export ALL orders. I don’t recall you ever saying you wanted only successful orders. Sadly, I haven’t yet developed the power of mind reading. I am currently working on my ability to move objects with the power of my mind but I’m not having much luck. I thought I had made a breakthrough last week when I managed to get my pen to roll across the desk and into my hand but my excitement was short-lived when I remembered that the floor is uneven and my desk slopes slightly.

In answer to your second question, you can see how many failed orders there have been by counting the number of orders with a red cross next to them. I took the liberty of counting for you and can see that there are 5. I also counted the number of pending/incomplete/forthcoming/in progress/yet to finish/awaiting completion orders and saw there was only 1. I tried counting all the successful orders but sadly I can’t count higher than 10 and gave up.

Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Sarcasmoholic
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 12:22 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

All I want is for the successful orders everything else is irrelevant to me. Also it seems that when an order fails the customer starts a new order instead of using the existing one. There must be a way we can stop customers from creating a new order when there is an outstanding order awaiting payment.

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:01 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clive,

So when you originally asked me to build a system that exports all orders, what you actually meant was you wanted me to build a system that only exports successful orders? Is this correct? I’m glad to see that you are on the ball enough to spot this after only a year of using the system.

And yes there is a way of preventing customers from creating new orders. All you have to do is build a time machine and go back in time to tell them not to start a new order before they do it. However, this does have a down side in that if you go back in time to warn them not to make an order they have yet to make they will not know what you are talking about because they haven’t made the order yet. They will probably think you are a mentalist. The other problem with that is time travel is not currently possible.

Another possible solution would be to master the power of mind control and prevent them from making an order that way. However, as I mentioned in my previous email, I have yet to master those powers so cannot yet pass on my knowledge.

Yours eternally

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Pop
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:16 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

All we are concerned with in the accounts is with the orders that have been paid for. Surely it is not hard for you to only send us the orders that have been paid?

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:33 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi again Clive,

You are indeed right. It is not hard to do at all. I don’t have any other customers that I’m currently doing jobs for and I’m not actually doing anything at the moment except seeing how far I can flick a coin off the desk with my ruler. I managed to get one across the whole length of the office last week but haven’t been able to do it since so I think that may have been a fluke. I am using one of those small 15 centimetre rulers to give myself a bit more of a challenge because I think using one of those big 30 centimetre rulers would be too easy given the amount of leverage possible. Plus I had my big ruler confiscated by the boss last week because I kept sticking it down my trousers and standing behind our receptionist, smiling. Apparently that is considered sexual harassment these days.

I understand that being an accountant you are probably only interested in stuff that has been paid for. As it is common knowledge that accountants have no personality or social skills, I guess there is little else for you to need.

So, based on that, I will now drop everything else I’m doing and work my way through the 600 lines of code to get the system to work in a way that wasn’t asked for in the first place.

Yours forever

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:38 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

I don’t care about silly games that you are playing in your office and it sounds to me like you are wasting my time! I want to know if you can make the change and when you can do it!

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:50 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clarky,

Well, having dropped everything else I was doing and having fallen behind schedule on deadlines for other projects, I have established that it is possible to alter the code to filter the orders. Based on my hourly rate, I would reckon on only about £45 to make this change.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Taste the Rainbow
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 13:54 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

What? Why should I have to pay? This is quite clearly a bug in the system!

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:12 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clark,

Thanks for another email. I’m really enjoying receiving emails from you. I have an email notification sound of Homer Simpson telling me the mail is here so I get really excited whenever one comes in because it makes me sound very popular.

Anyway, the reason I’m charging is because this is a change in the initial requirements. It is not a bug. A bug causes something that was previously functioning to stop working. This is working the way it has for well over a year now.

I could understand your frustration if it was a bug but given that you signed off the project over a year ago and have been using it with seemingly no problems for the duration, I would still have charged. I bought a new car last December when it was really, really cold. In July when the weather was hot enough for my neighbour’s 18 year old daughter to sunbathe topless in the back garden, I put the air conditioning on in the car so I didn’t overheat when spying on her. To my horror (and ultimate dehydration) my air-conditioning didn’t work. I phoned the dealership I bought the car from but I was told that the warranty had expired and I had to pay. As annoyed as I was, I accepted the fact that I paid for it without checking that everything worked. Also, I had been using the car for 7 months before I realised.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Bull Fighter
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:19 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

Well I’m not paying £45 for something that in my opinion should be free!

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:37 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Hi Clark,

That is fair enough. I wouldn’t pay for something that was free either. Sometimes I resent having to pay for something that costs money. I recently bought that new Robin Hood film with Russell Crowe in it. It has to be one of the worst films I’ve seen in years. I know Russell Crowe can’t act anyway so I wasn’t expecting great things from him but the film as a whole was awful. That seriously is 2 and a half hours of my life I want back.

I must apologise because my original quote of £45 was way off the mark. I forgot to allow for my time spent analysing the existing system and having to look through 600 lines of code. I also didn’t factor in my time spent corresponding with you. The actual price now comes to £1,475.

Please let me know if this is satisfactory.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Debt Collector
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Clive Page
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:50 PM
To: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Subject: RE: Error!

No it is not satisfactory. Are you going to do the work for me or not? And I am not paying for it!

From: Dr Dave Liam Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2011 14:51 PM
To: Clive Page
Subject: RE: Error!

Dear Clark,

No.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Chief Terminator
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

How racist are you?

2011-04-01T08:31:00.001-07:00

Look at the photo and answer the questions below. If you answer them all correctly then you are not a racist. If not, shame on you!

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?

Answers on a postcard please.

Equal opportunity or double standards?

2010-11-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .. you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't .. you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you're not ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Explaining politics to a child

2010-09-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy so the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Golf with a Catholic Priest and a Nun

2010-09-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed again."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

The Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice...

"Shit, I missed."

Lonely Hearts

2010-04-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

still interested?

Call me at...... 8250-0327

How to get to number 1 on Google

2010-03-05T04:57:00.001-08:00

Recently I have been getting lots of emails from bizarre "companies" offering to optimize my website for me. Now being the curious kind of chap I thought I would see what happened if I responded to one of them.

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 08:22 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: Internet Marketing Services

We would like to get your website on first page of Google.

All of our processes use the most ethical "white hat" Search Engine Optimization techniques that will not get your website banned or penalized. Please reply and I would be happy to send you a proposal.

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 10:58 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Robert and thanks for your very informative email about your Search Engine Optimization service. It certainly sounds genuine!

Anyway, I really am very interested and would like you to get my website to number 1 on Google because I think that will make my dream come true of being a millionaire before I’m 30. Would you also like my credit card details now or would you prefer me to bend over first so you can shaft me properly?

Kind Regards

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:07 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Mr Prous

Thanks for your interest in our services. If you could provide us with more information about your website we will draft up a proposal for you.

I am a bit confused about your final comment. We will only require you to send us your credit card once you have agreed to the proposal.

Thanks

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Monday, March 1, 2010 14:36 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hello Rob,

Basically I run and operate a pornographic website, mainly focused on the animal kingdom. It used to be primarily sheep and goats but I have recently discovered that there is more of a market in underage chickens. I used to have a website dedicated to necrophilia but that idea died.

Thanks for clearing up the confusion about my credit card. So when you say you need me to send my credit card, would you want me to post it to you? I don’t have any envelopes at the moment but I do have a rather big box that I could fill with bubble wrap and those funny polystyrene things. I would like to keep my credit card safe because there are a lot of thieves around these days don’t you think?

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of Porn
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 09:46 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Are you serious? When you say it is based around animals, do you mean pictures of animals on animals or animals with humans? We are of course more than happy to undertake a project containing any material but we need to make sure we get all the facts straight before writing a proposal.

I think you misunderstand. We do not require you to post us your credit card we just need the credit card number and name on card etc.

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Robbie,

Well of course it’s animals and humans. I mean animal on animal would just be weird!

Re my credit card info, I have lots of different numbers on it so you might want to be a bit more specific. The name on the card is Visa.

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Porn Broker
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:11 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Is this some kind of joke? I would be delighted to undertake this job for you as long as you are being genuine. The time it will take to write a proposal to suit your needs will take up much time and I will only be willing to spend that time if I feel we could come to a proper working agreement.

I apologise for my bluntness but I need to make sure that it is worth my time.

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 10:38 AM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Bobbie,

Thanks for your email and sorry if you think I’m wasting your time. I know what it feels like because the other day I was waiting at the cinema to go and watch that Avatar movie and I queued up for about 20 minutes and when I got to the ticket box the spotty kid behind the bullet-proof glass said he had just sold the last ticket so I had to wait another 3 hours to go and watch a later showing. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I walked around for a bit and pretended to be a retarded tramp who would dance for money so that I could afford the extortionate price they charge for popcorn and when I finally got to see the film I was most disappointed. The picture was very blurry and the colour was awful. When I looked around to see if anyone else was squinting as much as me, I found that they were all wearing dark glasses for some reason. I guess it is a new fashion that I missed. Anyway the point is that I wasted about 7 hours of my life which is about the same as smoking half a cigarette. Given that I don’t smoke you can understand my annoyance. The only consolation was that for 3 of those hours I was sitting in the cinema which was dark enough for people not to notice my masturbating over that blue alien woman. She was so hot.

Many thanks.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Senior Animal Rapist
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:31 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

You are obviously just wasting my time so I consider this arrangement closed.

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 12:39 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Hi Roberto,

Sorry to hear that. I had already set a budget for this and spent most of yesterday on the phone to Geneva trying to get funds moved from my various numbered accounts over there. I have to go under a pseudonym because I’m wanted for drug smuggling and slave trading and fear I will be shot on site. Apparently they can still do that.

Many thanks.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
The Don
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:04 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

Please do not email me again or I will report you!

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 13:12 PM
To: robertkarlson5555@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Internet Marketing Services

OK!

English Language Strangeness Part 3

2010-02-10T03:57:00.001-08:00

As seen on Eddsport Magazine

The only shred of dignity Britain will have left after Europe becomes one giant amorphous blob is the English language, which most experts agree should become the official Euro-tongue.

However, the ever efficient Germans suggest that English spelling does have room for improvement and that a 5 year plan has been drawn up to develop ‘EuroEnglish’.

In the first year, ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’ and ‘k’ will replace the hard ‘c’. Not only will this klear up konfusion and make the life of sivil servants easier, but also komputer keyboards will need one less key.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replased with an ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to a stage where more komplikated alterations are possible. So double letters will be removed to inkrease the liklihod of akurate speling. The horible mes of the silent ‘e’ wil also be banishd.

By the fourth yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps like replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yar, ozer silent leters like 'w' vil be holy removed and ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and similar modifikations vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

English Language Strangeness Part 2

2010-02-08T03:51:00.000-08:00

Did You Know that the words "race car" spelled backward spells race car, that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense "ate".

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent bastards and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag head bastards with you too."

How weird is that?

English Language Strangeness Part 1

2010-02-05T03:44:00.000-08:00

Isn’t it funny that:

You add an “h” to “hug,” you get Hugh. Since the “h” is silent in England you would think you would get “hug” right back again. In England is Hugh Grant called Hug? No!

You add an “e” to hop and you get “hope” but if you add an “e” to “to,” you get “toe.” That “e” can change an “ah” sound to “oh” or an “uuh” like in “you” to “oh.” Oh, yes! Add an “e” to “trip” and you get “tripe” and who wants that?

I like Spanish where vowels behave themselves.

And you can spell “rough” as “ruff” both of which are pronounced “ruhf.”

You know what your spell checker will do with “ruhf.

“Ruff” is that “stiffly starched frilled or pleated circular collar of lace, muslin, or other fine fabric, worn by men and women in the 16th and 17th centuries.”

Suicide Bombers

2010-01-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

The legendary Jeff Dunham with Walter and Achmed the dead terrorist

Border Crossing

2010-01-07T01:30:00.000-08:00

Now let me see if i understand all this...

If you cross the north korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the afghan border illegally - you get shot.

If you cross the saudi arabian border illegally - you will be jailed.

If you cross the chinese border illegally - you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the venezuelan border illegally - you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the cuban border illegally - you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

if you cross the british border illegally - you get a job, a drivers license, social security card, welfare, food stamps, credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house, free education, free health care, a lobbyist in parliment and in many instances you can vote! And of course you'd vote, no doubt for labour - to keep the perks and keep them in!!!

Council Tax Discount

2009-12-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I received a letter from the council asking if I still live on my own and checking whether I was still eligable for the loner's discount. They were expecting me to pay for a stamp to post a letter back to them. I never did get an answer to any of my questions...

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, December 1, 2009 10:14 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: Council Tax Discount

Dear Mr Council person

Thank you so much for your letter asking if I live on my own. It is nice to know that you care so much about my well-being, especially at this time of year when we are all reminded to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves even though none of us really care. Even the other day I kicked a tramp to the floor because I didn’t want to give him my spare change. You know you should really do something about cleaning up this town a bit…

Anyway, I can confirm that I do indeed live on my own. Sometimes I get very lonely and cry myself to sleep at night. It is OK though because I have invented an imaginary friend who keeps me company and stops me from going mental.

Just out of curiosity, could you please answer a couple of questions for me?

1. If I live on my own, why am I only given a 25% discount when there are 50% fewer people living here than if there were two?
2. Why, when I pay such an obscene amount in council tax, are you making me pay for the cost of a stamp to post a letter to you? Are you really that tight?

Lots of love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Tuesday, December 1, 2009 15:24 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your enquiry. We need to confirm that you are the sole occupant of your property. If, as you stated, you are sharing your residency with another person you are no longer entitled to the 25 percent single occupancy discount.

If you could please confirm this in writing within the next 7 days we will amend your direct debit appropriately.

Yours Sincerely

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Thursday, December 3, 2009 12:28 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Hi Waynetta,

Thanks for your email and for conveniently not answering any of my questions.

I can confirm that I do live on my own so please don’t take any more money from my account otherwise I will not be able to pay off Big Norman the dodgy loan shark and he will make me suck his dick as payment and I really don’t want to go through that again. He is built like a donkey and I nearly choked last time.

I’m a little confused as to why you think I stated I’m not living on my own. I’m not sure that my imaginary friend is entitled to pay council tax or is there a new imaginary friend tax that I’m not aware of. Also, I have a couple more questions for you.

1. When you say I have to reply within 7 days do you mean 7 days from when you sent the email or 7 days since I could be arsed to read it?
2. Are you going to answer any of my previous questions?

Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Thursday, December 3, 2009 16:34 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

We need confirmation in writing that you are the sole occupier of your property.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 09:20 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… ker

I have confirmed in writing. In fact I am sitting at my computer right now writing to confirm that I have already confirmed. I would write a letter using the old fashioned method of using pen and paper but I can not afford a pen because I pay so much in council tax I can’t afford such luxuries. Neither can I afford a stamp. Seeing as you take all of my money, would you be able to post a stamp to me or at least use some of the money you have taken from me and buy one of those pre-paid envelopes?

I have now told my imaginary friend to leave so I am now definitely the sole occupier of my house. This has left be totally devastated and heart-broken but I believe it is for the best. I don’t want you to think I am robbing you of money you feel you deserve because I know the council would never do that to me (did you get the ironic tone in that statement?).

Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon and maybe you might answer some of my questions?

Lots of love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Customer Services Centre
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 11:04 AM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

We need written confirmation as we require a signature to verify against our records.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 11:27 AM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… king

OK I have attached an image of my signature for your records. I hope this is sufficient.

Merry Christmas!

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 13:47 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Sir,

If you are indeed the sole occupant of your home we will continue to apply the 25 percent discount. If your situation changes at any time you must inform us immediately.

We will automatically issue another confirmation letter next year.

Kind Regards

Wayne Gardiner
Customer Support

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, December 4, 2009 14:13 PM
To: Customer Services Centre
Subject: RE: Council Tax Discount

Dear Wayne… ona ryder

Next year will you post a stamp or send a pre-paid envelope?

Thanks in advance for not answering.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

Eastern European Scam

2009-12-01T05:45:00.000-08:00

Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here ' s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October the 4th, the 9th, and the 10th, twice on the 15th, once each on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 8th, 15th. 21st twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. may I suggest that Aldi have wallets on sale for 1.99 each but Lidl have them at 1.75 and look better

Important legal disclaimer

2009-11-17T07:29:00.000-08:00

All published items in this blog may, or may not be, fictional or factual.

Any references to persons or organisations living, dead, in existance or figments of anyone's imagination are purely coincidental.

The thoughts and opinions expressed in these blogs are not necessarily shared by anyone else or even me.

These blogs contain none of your business whatsoever. You are not at liberty to read them and to be offended in any way is your own fault.

Anything written on this blog is for my amusement only. By viewing my private amusement gubbins, you are technically trespassing so please don't get all arsey about it.

I am a pretty little girl.

This site is not suitable for people without a sense of humour. Any people without one should seek professional help.

By reading anything on this disclaimer, you are agreeing that I cannot be held responsible for anything.

More to follow...

Love letters from Getty

2009-11-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

I received a letter through the post from Getty Images. Apparently I had used one of their images on my website and they were demanding nearly £1,000 in “compensation”. I nearly shit myself when I read that letter. Below is a copy of the letter and the subsequent email correspondence.

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Friday, April 3, 2009 11:21 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: unauthorized use of image

Dear Mr Getty,

Thank you for your letter and your kind offer to let me to pay you £894.20. Unfortunately I will have to decline this offer because I have no money. I did phone my local hospital to ask if I could sell one of my kidneys but they told me they are no good pickled and that I should stop drinking.

Kind Regards

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Sith
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Monday, April 13, 2009 15:44 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Thank you for your email. Getty Images cannot be held responsible for your financial position and we maintain our claim for damages of £894.20 (plus IRL VAT).

Getty Images must receive compensation for the prior unauthorised use. Getty Images is willing to accept £794.20 (plus IRL VAT) in settlement if payment in full is received by April 28, 2009. Getty Images makes this offer without prejudice and reserves all rights and remedies available under copyright law. If your company is VAT registered, please provide your VAT number so the VAT can be deducted.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:26 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Mrs Getty,

Firstly let me apologise for referring to you as Mr Getty in my first email. It is sexist to assume that you are a man, especially in this day and age of equal rights, and I really hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for yet another kind offer. I can’t afford that either because I have just bought myself some Oakley sun glasses. I can’t believe how expensive those things are! Anyway, given that I don't know what image you are referring to and if I did indeed use an image it would have either been an accident or due the fact that I was under the influence of illegal Class A drugs at the time I'm affraid I will have to claim ignorance on this matter. Also, can you clarify what you mean by claiming damages? I have no recollection of damaging any image and I can assure you I reserve all my violence for those Jehovas Witnesses that keep knocking on my door asking me to stop worshiping Satan and join their cult. I If you would be so kind as to let me know which image you are banging on about I will removed it and then go and flush my head down the toilet and whip myself with spikey wire like that albino bloke out of the da Vinci code for being so ignorant. Would this suffice? It would certainly mean less hassle for both of us.

Thanks

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Rings
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2009 16:35 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Thank you for your email. Copyright exists in an image upon the moment of creation and you must obtain permission prior to use. Although the removal of the image is appreciated, Getty Images must receive compensation for the prior use. Getty Images must receive £894.20 (plus IRL VAT).

Getty Images strongly recommends that you take this matter seriously. Failure to comply may result in legal action.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:26 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Lord Getty,

Firstly, thanks for waiting until the 28th April deadline has passed before responding. I appreciate these are difficult times we live in now and you're probably not making any money by selling poor quality images to rubbish designers and this is the only way your company is making any money but I think that was a bit below the belt.

The thought of legal action is certainly worth thinking about. I certainly don’t want to end up in prison because I hear they make you pick up the soap. Given that I’m not exactly a butch fellow, the thought of being a sex slave of Mr Big fills me with dread.

As I am now living in a cardboard box in the street and my only income is from the occasional pennies that passersby drop in the tray next to me, I obviously can’t afford to pay you. Instead I have attached a self portrait of myself that I will happily give you permission to use in your library. I value the image at £894.20 (+ Irish VAT). I hope this exchange will bring this matter to a satisfactory conclusion.

Lots of Love

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Lord of the Dance
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

From: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Sent: Monday, May 11, 2009 16:35 PM
To: Dr Dave L. Prous
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Dr Prous,

Getty Images will not accept imagery as an alternative source of payment.

Getty Images' position remains unchanged. Getty Images continues to maintain its unauthorised use claim in the amount of £894.20 (plus IRL VAT). Getty Images makes this offer without prejudice to its legal rights and remedies available under copyright law, all of which are expressly reserved.

Sincerely,

Laura Kingsley
Copyright Compliance Specialist
Getty Images License Compliance

From: Dr Dave L. Prous
Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2009 09:13 AM
To: licensecomplianceuk@gettyimages.com
Subject: RE: unauthorized use of image

Dear Emperor Getty,

That is a real shame. That was a masterpiece and I put a lot of thought and effort into that drawing. I may have to charge you for labour costs for the time it took me to draw it. Taking into account my hourly rate, I reckon £894.20 (+ IRL VAT) would cover it. Seeing as you are also quoting Irish VAT even though your office is in London (presumably because Irish VAT is more than UK VAT and you may or may not be sleeping with the tax man) I was going to suggest I buy you 358 pints of Guinness to cover the costs but then I remembered I don't have any money so that idea fell flat on its head.

Also, the thought of legal action and time in prison has left me so worried I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. My face has come out in spots and I have blotches all over my body which my doctor reckons is stress related. I have been in touch with my legal adviser (well he’s not actually a legal adviser but he is some bloke I see down the pub every night and once at an Impotence Anonymous meeting that I attend). He told me that my idea of pleading insanity is a stupid one and I should be ashamed of myself for coming up with something so insane, which I thought was quite ironic. He did however make a valid point that the UK has a policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

Anyway, I will have to discuss terms for my arrest and possible execution with my legal adviser when he gets out of prison for tax evasion, extortion and first degree murder so I will be back in touch with you within the next 25-30 years.

I thank you in advance for your patience.

Dr Dave Liam Prous
Supreme Overlord
The Swamp
Dagobah
THX 1138

An Irate British Citizen

2009-11-13T05:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my Television is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house and then you ask me for my address. Do you really need me to point out the absurdity of that? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there?

Also, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Osama Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of weeks of well earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one - to the tune of 60 quid I might add! What a racket that is!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But no, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off and then find some tosser to confirm that it is really me on the god damn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defense in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago was living in Pakistan!

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.